Surrender Control

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." ~Lao Tzu

How often have you felt like your life was spinning out of control? Or have you felt like you needed to take control of a situation or a person? Sometimes we just feel like we need to control everything and everyone in our life. This is even more predominant if you're a boss or a parent.

The only thing we really control is our own thoughts, actions, and words. So why do we feel the incessant need to control everything else in our life? The yoga sutras would point to the ego and fear (two of the five afflictions) as reasons we feel this need to control.

The ego is what gives us a personal identity or a sense of self. It is there to help us mediate with our surroundings. The ego serves the vital function of allowing the identification of one's existence with the outer world. However, the ego likes to continually feed itself and it becomes exaggerated. An exaggerated ego creates a false sense of separateness. The individual looses touch with the universal or the connectedness of all things and suffering ensues. An exaggerated ego is a controlling ego - it is all about me! When we are living with an exaggerated ego, we are living in delusion because we are not seeing the world how it really is but how we are.

Fear is also important in our evolutionary development. Fear is a basic survival mechanism that protects us from potential threats.  Fear (and stress) brings us into our sympathetic ("fight or flight") nervous system, so we can react in order to survive. All fear is based on the fear of death or the fear that life will end. Death is a fact of life and is therfore out of our control. So how do we as humans try to compensate for this inevitable reality? By trying to control other things or people in our life.

Yoga teaches us to let go of our attachments and therefore our desire to control.

When we become over invested in our own identity (living in our ego), we begin to see any change as a threat to our sense of self. Yoga takes us out of our ego and allows us to feel the connectedness of all things. So changes in our surroundings or our lives can be viewed as opportunities and not threats. Yoga teaches us to live in the present moment and be with what is. This can help eliminate anxiety about past or future events.  Also yoga, especially with proper breath, stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and takes our body out of "fight or flight" mode and allows us to relax with what is.

So I invite you to focus on letting go of your need to control situations, people in your life, or even your own body and just be present with what is. When we feel out of control, it’s because what we think conflicts with what we feel, but what we feel in our bodies is the truth. Listen to your body! If you experience difficulty with a person, situation, or even a yoga pose don’t try to control the person or situation, but see it as an opportunity to let go and be in this present moment. Remember, the only thing we really control is our own thoughts, actions, and words!

Ways to practice surrendering control:

• Next time you're in a yoga class take child's pose every time you need it. Be honest with yourself!
• Do you always lead a conversation, talking more than listening? In a conversation with a friend, spouse or loved one, don't interrupt. Let them speak freely without speaking an opinion or judgement. Just listen!
• Do you always control the remote? Decide maybe just for one evening to let the other person watch whatever they want. No complaints!
• Are you a "backseat" driver? Next time you are a passenger in the car don't comment on the other driver's abilities or tell them the route you would take.
• Are you always making the decisions in a relationship, like where to go to dinner or what movie to see. Let the other person decide. Or if you're usually indecisive, make the decision.